Harry Kane has scored more goals this season than anyone who isn’t an absurd Viking robot and Spurs are level on points with Manchester City. It makes no sense and it makes us angry…
Arsenal are absolutely flying along after winning nine of their first ten games of a top-flight season for the first time in their history Liverpool and Manchester City just gave everyone a 100 minute reminder how stupidly good they both are at football.
But Tottenham are still the most interesting team in the league because nothing about them really makes much sense.
Ten games into the season, they are level on points with a Manchester City team that most of us still assume are likely to win the league quite comfortably. And yet absolutely nobody is talking about Spurs as a possible title challenger. And rightly so, because… well, they just aren’t, are they? Sure, this might be their best start to a 10-game Premier League season ever, but you can’t tell me they’re really good. Come on.
It’s a remarkable start to the season – Spurs are also top of their Champions League group with two games to go – but you really wouldn’t guess that from listening to someone talk about Spurs. Especially the goal of their own fans especially us.
One could really think that Spurs are headed for relegation under Allardyce rather than the Champions League under Conte, to hear some fan chat. The discrepancy between results and perception is really striking, and there’s not even a hint of the usual “imagine what the results might look like if they actually clicked” about pages for which the results seem to outperform.
And we don’t have “eligible fans don’t know they were born” whining here because… we get it. Spurs are really weird. Their football is undoubtedly effective – the results are literally in – but they are often not great fun to watch.
It’s still not really clear what their best formation is, certainly in Dejan Kulusevski’s absence, and the inevitable sense of temporary transience surrounding the coach means there’s not the usual sense of building something you’d normally expect from a team that achieves this type of improvement so early in a manager’s reign.
Only Newcastle have conceded fewer goals, but Spurs haven’t looked particularly good defensively. Only City and Arsenal have scored more goals, but Spurs’ attack doesn’t exactly inspire fear across the division either.
And only RoboHaaland has scored more goals than Harry Kane, who is quietly on course for his best-ever Premier League season and yet hardly signs on to anyone. Unless you’ve been paying close attention to Spurs, you might be slightly surprised to learn that Kane has scored nine goals in 10 games. Even if you’ve been paying attention, there still seems to be way too many goals. Try to remember them. It does not work.
Obviously, none of this is true if, like us, you spend all your time online wading knee-deep through football Twitter excrement. If you do, you’ll know all about Kane. And what you do know about Kane is that he’s a scammer. The biggest cheat in the history of the game. An absolute disgrace from a man protected from above for being England’s captain. Like Alan Shearer before him.
His Machiavellian understanding of the dark arts means he is now able to force fellow Englishman Jordan Pickford to fumble a shot and head-bang Kane’s leg. Classic Kane chicane.
Kane’s ability to boil piss has long fascinated us. And what’s become abundantly clear is that the angriest thing he can do is win and score a penalty, an inherently sneaky way of scoring and one that every other striker in history does too right as among them.
But the real gold comes when Kane, as he did against Eintracht Frankfurt on Saturday and midweek, wins a penalty that a) is quite obviously a penalty but also b) definitely involves at least an element of Kane who pretty clever with it. People completely lose their minds. That’s the sweet spot for the online craze, because Kane’s reputation for sims – a reputation its proponents have to believe at the same time is fully apparent but also unreported by the so-called MSM – has long since moved from “Some penalties that Kane wins are dodgy’ developed ‘Kane won a penalty, ergo it was dodgy’.
As with all conspiracy theories, it is impossible to argue against it because of its two elements.
If Kane wins a really dodgy penalty, then that’s fine. Adding it to the list, further proof of how despicable he is.
If Kane wins a non-doubtful penalty, that’s still fine. Just claim it’s dubious anyway, and explain the lack of reporting reflecting that fact as part of the establishment’s previously established cover-up. For full tinfoil points, add “If that were salah…” to really get your point home.
The best part of Saturday’s penalty was that Jordan Pickford – a keeper who obviously knows Kane better than most – knew immediately he’d been played like a fiddle. He knows it’s a penalty, he knows he made the mistake Kane was counting on and is angry at himself for falling into the trap.
And that penalty pretty much secured the win, meaning Spurs are now amazingly level on points with Manchester City and so really everyone has no choice but to grudgingly bring them into the title debate. Not that you will read about it the in the MSM.
READ MORE: Big Midweek: Man Utd v Spurs, Villa, Brendan, Darwin Nunez, Arsenal
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