I’ve been reading your columns for a while and found it interesting how differently people struggle with sex and dating. While I feel like this is good to know, overall I have a big fat zero experience of relationships. I feel like I know a lot about dating but I just can’t put it into reality. I’ve read a lot of books, listened to podcasts, but no one wants to date me. I’ve tried talking to girls in the pub but they walk away or say they’re coming back but then never. I have friends that I date as a group and they always manage to score with girls. I find myself attractive but it doesn’t seem to be working and I’m just so frustrated. What else do I have to do? I compliment girls, and I have some killer pick-up lines, but it doesn’t work the way the sex leaders say it does. I would like to give up because I’m always so annoyed at the end of a night, but then I can’t give up because I want to be in a relationship so badly. What am I doing that I’m not already doing? I should have had many relationships by now, but I haven’t, even though I do things the way I’m supposed to.
We don’t have to “negate” or find ways to get people to like us – people like us because we are us. Relying on these techniques means we are not being honest and it borders on abusive behavior, if not outright abusive in some cases. These YouTubers prey on people like you, people who are desperate for love and relationships, making you vulnerable and less likely to question their content. They make money this way so please stop for a moment and think about the messages you are getting from these people and what kind of person you want to be in the future.
People can see through pick-up lines and often come across as cheesy and disingenuous. They don’t connect to the person in front of us and don’t convey a true sense of who we really are. Think old-fashioned phrases like, “Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?” It’s unoriginal, reflects nothing about you, and could be played out in a ton every night. This makes the person feel like a number in the system, rather than someone you’re genuinely interested in getting to know. Who wants to be just a random notch on a bedpost instead of being seen for who they really are? No one wants to be a ticking exercise or serve as fodder for boasting about friends.
The top tips we read won’t magically turn our problems into orgasms and healthy relationships, so it’s important that we all make an effort to be the best person we can be
We have no right to sex. Nobody owes anyone else sex, and people won’t die if they don’t have sex. We may be touch hungry or in need of love, but we cannot force someone to be intimate with us because we long to be. Looks aren’t everything – you may be the most beautiful person in the world, but are you fun to travel or lockdown with? Looks boring, but personality helps build an emotional connection. Sexual attraction is one thing and a healthy part of most relationships, but what keeps relationships going is how we treat each other. Is there kindness, good listening, or the ability to compromise in disputes? These are so much more important than how people meet beauty standards.
Authenticity is key – be yourself. Who are you really? What can you offer someone in a relationship? Tips and tricks aside, what’s your emotional maturity? Have you been to therapy to resolve your underlying issues? None of this is specific to you; These are all steps we should all take as mature people who want to interact with other people. The top tips we read won’t magically turn our problems into orgasms and healthy relationships, so it’s important that we all make an effort to be the best person we can be. This reduces the risk of harming others and ourselves, and increases the opportunity to truly relate to others on an authentic level.
It is also not mandatory to have sex or dates. We live in a very sex-obsessed society that gives a lot of mixed messages about sex – make it so; That’s the wrong way; that’s what you have to do; you will go to hell if you do this; You must do these top 10 things. Amidst these messages, instructions, commands or “top tips” it can be difficult to figure out what is right for us as individuals. Top tips are a great place to start, but what works for one person can be a complete turnoff for another.
Try to stop the paint-by-numbers approach. Ask women about it
yourself, ditch the chat-up lines and be yourself. Don’t rely on looks – think about what else you can bring to the table. you have value; Don’t rely on internet advice. As you have seen, it doesn’t work. Be yourself and you will surely see more people interacting with you on a real level
dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyouquestions@independent.ie. dr West regrets that she cannot answer questions privately
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